I wonder about a lot of things. I wonder mostly about myself. As in, "I wonder what the hell is wrong with me?" type of wondering.
We're all men here right? Most of us? At least by gender definition. Then allow me to speak freely. Any ladies and minors that are reading, you might learn something too, rather you want to or not is a different story.
Here's what started my latest round of wondering. I read a story on the Internet yesterday about 2 Carolina Panthers cheerleaders arrested in Florida for, among other things, allegedly "having relations" with each other in a bathroom stall.
I have 3 little girls, I love them and love and respect my wife. I would personally injure any boy who put their hands on my daughters, and may have to do so because I know what boys are like. Having said all that, my reaction to the story, specifically the words "cheerleaders" "sex with each other" and "bathroom stall", made me wonder.
I couldn't focus for the rest of the day. Just writing about it now is giving me hot flashes. See, as guys, we know that we all have a dark side that we fight to suppress each and every day. The Biblical term is "The Natural Man", and most guys do a fine job of keeping Nature Boy gagged, tied to chair and locked in a closet in the backrooms of the mind. But once in awhile, the gag slips and Nature Boy shouts out wildly inappropriate things in our heads at inopportune times.
Like when you are at dinner with your wife.
Nice You:
Nature Boy: (gets the gag off) "HEY! CHECK HER OUT!! THE CHICK AT THE SALAD BAR! DAMN! YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO TO HER? DO YA? I'D LIKE TO….MMMPPHH" (Nice you desperately stuffs a sock in his mouth he spits it out) "GET UP AND GO OVER THERE YOU FAIRY! GO TO THE SALAD BAR SO YOU CAN GET A NICE CLOSE LOOK!"
You, with a glazed look in your eye, start to get up from the table.
Wife: "Where are you going?"
At that moment, Nice You stuffs the gag back in Nature Boy's mouth and beats him over the head with a bag full of doorknobs.
You: "Huh? Oh uh, nowhere, just standing up to get my wallet out."
So my reaction to this cheerleader story made me wonder: When will I grow up and get over this?
From all of the older men I've talked to, the answer is never. And the advice I get is to just do my best to keep Natural Man tied up in the closet.
Now I can't help but wonder: What would happen if I let him out? Just for a few minutes? See, there's something wrong with me.
Other things I wonder:
I wonder when bad things will stop happening to USU football?
I wonder if the positives that I see from a 2-6 USU team are to be considered steps forward or wishful thinking by someone who's pulling for the Ags, college football's equivalent of the Cubs.
I wonder why when you get a cell phone call when you are sitting down, you feel the need to get up and walk all over the place but if you get a call on a regular phone (even a cordless) you are just fine sitting there while you talk?
I wonder what happened to Todd Watkins? Is he okay? Are his arms broken? Does he enjoy running around all day Saturday for what appears to be health purposes rather than as part of the gameplan?
I wonder who told BYU that it was okay to use the tight end? Is this part of Bishop Bronco's plan to resurrect the Golden Age of Zoobie football? Is he going to go get a heavy drinking Catholic as his next QB?
I wonder what this coach told his team:
EARLSBORO, Okla. (AP) - The Hanna High School basketball team can take some consolation: It didn't get shut out.
It did, however, lose 112-2 on Friday night to Earlsboro.
"It was embarrassing to watch," Earlsboro coach Jim Walling told The Oklahoman. "But you can't just tell your kids not to score. I've been coaching 27 years and have never been involved in something like this."
The Wildcats led 42-0 after one quarter and 73-2 at halftime. Walling pulled his starters in the second half, and game officials kept a running clock, stopping it only for free throws.
I wonder why that if forced to pick today, I would say BYU over Utah in a couple of weeks.
I wonder why 5-4 BYU this year is a happy 5-4 when last year's 5-4 had Zoobies calling for heads to roll. Or at least Gary Crowton to get called as Nursery Leader in his ward.
I wonder if TO still thinks the Rosenhaus strategy for a big contract was still a good idea?
I wonder why Ute fans who crowed so hard before the season about Utah belonging in the upper echelon as a perennial power were so quick to give up? Take a lesson from the Zoo fans, those guys are STILL chirping about 1984. Fight for your team and support them blindly no matter what.
I wonder if Ute fans fought for their team like Zoobies do if I'd mock them for living in the past? (Yes.)
I wonder why I loathe Reality TV but I'm fascinated by "Dog:The Bounty Hunter"?
I wonder if USU football can pull out of the doldrums and garner enough support from all of the bandwagon fans in Cache Valley to improve the program before they lose the program?
I wonder why no one anywhere knows how many people actually attend a college football game in Utah?
I wonder if Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush could BOTH win the Heisman this year?
I wonder if Virginia Tech will ever stop whining about not getting enough respect and then getting trounced when they play a good team?
I wonder if UNLV coach and former Ute OC Mike Sanford liked having the score run up on him.
I wonder who this guy thought I was when he sent this email about one of my recent columns:
Great column, as usual. Honestly, Jared, your column is better than any of the national stuff. I know you wouldn't be allowed to be as witty for a national audience, but there must be a market out there somewhere. Have you considered writing about top twenty teams and making a buck? Or is it just too much trouble to try to convince someone to give you some space?
Anyway, always a pleasure to read your stuff about the Utah scene here.
Jared does not = Knute, but I appreciate the kind words.
I wonder why I'm still writing this garbage and not breaking out The Ol' Crystal Ball?
New Mexico @ Utah
Utes get a dominating win after their bye week and look to be hitting their stride while the Lobos will be playing for the first time in 2 weeks and with a back up QB to boot. In my worthless opinion, the ONLY chance New Mexico has is handing the ball to Dontrell Moore and pounding away. Trouble is, I think Utah is up to the task of defending that. Utes roll then get ready for the Holy War next week.
Utah 37, UNM 17
BYU @ Wyoming
TOCB is having a very hard time seeing this one clearly. BYU's secondary has been awful but the offense has really been clicking. Wyoming MUST have a win to stay in the bowl picture. Plus the game is in Laramie, always a tough place to play (take note fair weather USU fans, Cowboys fans know how to do it and they do it well whether the team is good or not and despite the weather conditions. You can't tell me there's that much more to do in Logan than Laramie). BYU wanted to hearken back to the Golden Era of Cougar football and that era meant lots of points and not much defense. This will look like one of those old WAC games of yesteryear but I think BYU has more firepower and a better offensive line. By the way, count me as one of the folks who thinks BYU ran up the score on UNLV and I'm fine with it. Only losers whine about running up the score and it's not the winning coach's job to stop his team, it’s the opponent's job.
BYU 42, Wyoming 36
USU @ Hawai'i
USU holds La Tech to under 300 yards and still gives up 27 points in a loss at home. That's what happens when you give it up faster and easier than Paris Hilton. Six fumbles, four lost. Ballgame. Brent Guy has played 20 freshmen this season, has a makeshift offensive line that has over-achieved and doesn't have enough speed on the edges of his defense. Yet every week you see something that makes you think, "with a few more guys in key positions, this team could be pretty good". He still must coach out of them the tendency to hang their heads and turn into Eeyore when things go wrong and instill the will to fight through adversity, but I think that is something Guy can do. Now, if out of touch Cache Valleyites would go and support their team, they may be able to witness the transformation that I think may take place in the next three years. I say out of touch because if you stopped they typical Joe Schnozzlemeyer on the streets of Newton or Nibley or Hyrum he would tell you he can't believe the Aggies still suck. After all, they changed coaches. Like that is the antidote for 30 years of problems. Spurrier couldn't come to Logan and win the first year, and probably not the second. Rome wasn't built in a day, but I think they actually may be hauling bricks up at USU. Having said all that, it's tough for teams to win in Hawai'I and while I think USU has a shot, I think some of that youth and Aggie mistakes will bite them. They will show enough to make Aggie fans who are still watching have a little bit more hope, but it won't be enough.
Hawai'i 24, USU 20
Enjoy the weekend sportsfans!
As always, you can contact Knute by email at knute@aggies.com.
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