DB's And Dragons

Special to UstateAgs.com and TrueAggies.com

I've had enough. I know I may ruffle some feathers today but I need to get this off my chest. And I will do so with this caveat: It's nothing personal. This is more a "love the sinner, hate the sin" sort of thing.

I hate Fantasy Football. Loathe it. Not because of what it is, but because of what it does to some of my otherwise intelligent and rational friends. It's like crack cocaine and it turns people into wide-eyed, stat geeks who at some point are forced to commit the unpardonable sin of cheering for someone who is playing for an arch-rival, because they need the Fantasy points.

It's like being a Utah fan but cheering for John Beck at the BYU/Utah game because Beck is your Fantasy QB. Or me pulling for Randy Moss to have a big game against the Broncos (my team, live and die with them) because that damn Marvin down the hall has a team called the "Flaming White Hot Mouse Killers" and they are leading my "Heavenly Supermodels That Lust For Knute" team by 4. That. Is. Heresy.

I have a few good friends who have taken hits off the FF pipe and who are now hooked. That was fine with me, they are grown men and can do what they want. Then some of them (to be fair, not ALL of them, but most of them) started doing nothing but talking about their fantasy teams and who to draft and who to trade etc. etc. It was like I was suddenly surrounded by a host of Daniel Snyder clones. Although I think most of these guys are better talent evaluators than Snyder.

I was irritated at this point but I could live with it. Then one of these buddies persuaded me to try FF myself guaranteeing me that I would love it. I tried it. I did not love it. I did not even like it. I quit participating after about 6 weeks and haven't looked back. That was 2 years ago.

Now I see it all around me and I can't be silent any longer. Fantasy Football is Dungeons and Dragons for the guys who used to make fun of the guys who played Dungeons and Dragons. Seriously. The phrase "I can't play Vick this week because it's on real grass and he is ineffective on grass and Heinz Field has been a horrible venue for him", is just a variation of "I would love to play Thorgin the Elvish Centaur but the Cave of Doom has Fire Fungus that the Horned Gorgar uses to his advantage so Thorgin's Crystal Sword of Power is rendered useless there".

There is a section about Fantasy sports in my Sporting News. In July, it is thicker than the section for the NFL. It was bad enough that the NASCAR section was bigger (I feel NASCAR is the deep south's version of soccer and, like soccer, it will continue to be shoved down my throat with harsh reprimands about how bigoted and judgmental I am if I don't see it as the world's greatest sport. But that is a completely different column.) but now the Fantasy section?

And on TV they have whole shows dedicated to Fantasy Football. There some show on Fox Sports where Warren Moon, Erik Kramer and some flap-eared goofnut tell us who is and is not hot and who we should trade and draft and sit and play and blah, blah, blah. All the show tells me is that Moon and Kramer as TV personalities are just like they were as QB's; second tier at best. Wait, does that mean I should play them or sit them? Are they hot?

Maybe I should play Fantasy Sports Announcer with the local personalities since we have Fantasy everything.

I think this week I'll start Greg Wrubel over Al Lewis because the Cougars are in South Bend which means Wrubel will be in top "Use big words and clever phrases to show everyone how smart I am mode". Big game, big venue, big vocabulary. This will trump Lewis' optimistic homerism this week but Lewis with the Aggies in Alabama will be the pick next week because he will have to actively look for things to praise.

In two weeks I think I'll also start Bolerjack over Hot Rod because he will be making his Jazz debut on TV and will be working extra hard to win over the fans used to Hot Rod. Then after about two weeks, I'll slip Hots back into my starting lineup because Bolerjack is going to have to let Boone talk more and that will make his value go down. Meanwhile, Hots is on his own. All Hot Rod all the time means many radios will be on while TV sets get turned down.

But wait, could this principle apply to Wrubel vs. Lewis this week? I mean, Wrubel will be losing listeners while starving-for-outside-validation Zoobies watch the TV broadcast with the sound up to hear how the game announcers treat their team. Conversely, most Aggie fans will be turning the radio up to listen to Al since many feel that KJZZ could have gone to Hogle Zoo and got Bobo the Chimp for play-by-play and done better than what they have been using (I don't fully agree with that, I thought David James did a nice job but I am a DJ fan. I took some shots at Steve Brown for his sub-par effort a few weeks ago, but I think maybe he just had a bad game because he was much better the next week on the Ute game and he is usually pretty solid). So does this trump the big game, big vocabulary theory? Should I really start Wrubel? Does it really matter since both games will be blowouts and everyone will shut the radio AND TV off in disgust before the third period ends?

See, this is what happens to someone playing Fantasy sports. The Bishopric in my LDS ward have a Fantasy League going where they draft members of the ward and get points for whether they show up on Sunday and if they say a prayer, or teach a lesson! It's madness and I'm pretty sure it's an al Qaeda plot! Please friends, I implore you, get out before it destroys you!

Or not. Do what you want, I don't care now that I was able to vent.

The Knuties

This week's award winners get a mention in this column and…well…nothing else really.

The "This Is Why Guys Always Want To Skip The Foreplay" Award: To Notre Dame and USC. What. A. Game. The whole game was good, it was foreplay. The last three minutes were AWESOME!! I was in a restaurant watching the 4th quarter and every guy in there was watching the game while hundreds of annoyed women made snarky remarks. And when the game finally ended, every guy in there leaned back, let out a big, contented breath, rolled over and went to sleep. Meanwhile the women kept chirping.

The "We Got Big Boy Pants Now…Oops." Award: To the Aggies. They brought their big boy pants to Fresno. Put them on and toddled around very nicely for a little bit then proceeded to crap down both legs. Still, it was better than I thought would happen. The Ags are so bad they lost to lowly old Utah so I thought Fresno might hang 70 on them like the last time they played.

The "This Must Be What Shutting Your Genitals In A Door Feels Like" Award: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kyle Quitinngham! As he watches the mighty Ute dynasty of 2 whole years crumble around him and his team quit on him, he may prefer the aforementioned door to what he's seeing. The little birdies that told me he was mighty worried before the season say this is what he was so mightily worried about. The talent Urban brought in the last year was mostly just filler since he knew he was leaving (long time readers will remember it was right here that they first read that he would be gone come 2005) and you add that to a new coaching staff and the huge talent loss of the players that left and you have a recipe for just what we're seeing.

The "Bandwagon Is This Way Boys": Goes to BYU fans. Never mind the Cougs are 3-3 overall and 2-3 vs. D-1 schools, suddenly the Zoo is back and a Bowl game is in sight! The Zoophites have humbled themselves and Bishop Bronco did rend his jacket and did write upon it words. Yea, even words that were and exhortation unto his people. "In memory of 1984, our religion, and freedom, and our old blue unis, our wives, and our children." And the Chief Judge in the land of Zoo did declare unto the people that they did live in Cougartown and yea, they lifted up their voices and did sing hosanna's and praises and were favored on the field of battle and truly they were once again a chosen people inasmuch as they did defeat the army of the Coloradites and New Mexicans.

The "Flowery Speech Is Fertilized By Plenty Of Bull***" Award: Goes to Elder Mendenhall and his weekly press conference. I wonder if The High Priest of Powder Blue really talks like that or he just wants to impress folks. It's a hoot to listen to. After a few minutes you think you are listening to a press briefing about missile defense. Get Wrubel involved and it's fun on a cosmic level.

Wrubel: "Coach, with the upcoming tilt against the aforementioned Pugilistic Celts, can we expect you to delve deeply into that proverbial "bag of tricks" or will you and your intrepid staff instead elect to adhere to the standard fare that we at times are witness to?"

Bronco: "That's an excellent postulation Greg and let me answer that in a two-fold manner. The upcoming contest is one that can be best characterized by juxtaposition of competing philosophies but in that juxtaposition, lies the key to unlocking the conundrum that is Notre Dame. Therefore we have extensively drilled our personnel on the nuances of what may unfold as they are upon the gridiron and it is our sincere hope and desire that their training will overcome any esoteric concerns that may plague them and that we may execute in a manner pleasing to the loyal hangers on and distressing to our ubiquitous hosts. If we do all of those things, we are extremely confident in the probability that we can not only compete at an acceptable level but that we may even tip the outcome to our favor."

Wrubel: "Will you have my baby?"

TOCB

Enough of this grab-assery, let's get on to The Ol' Crystal Ball!

BYU @ Notre Dame

Hey! Didja hear? The Cougars are back baby! The magic is back…wait, they aren't into magic at the Zoo…the Spirit is with the Y again! Hooray! Huzzah! Break out the sparkling cider! Aw heck, break out the Mountain Dew, let's really go hog wild! Will any of the south of the Zion Curtain enthusiasm be dampened when the Irish beat the Cougs like they stole something? This is a Notre Dame team that darn near beat the best team in college football this year if not ever. A Notre Dame team coached by Charlie Weis, the man who made Tom Brady. There will be no post-Trojan let down and the Cougs will provide the butt in this butt kicking.

Notre Dame 46, BYU 21

Utah @ UNLV

Wow. I didn't think Utah would be as good as last year, but I didn't think this would happen. Unlike most of Ute Nation, I wasn't ready to put Utah up there with Ohio State, or Miami as a perennial national power, but I thought they'd be a Top 25 team all year and at the very least be capable of winning at home against dogs like San Diego State. Aggie fans, for reference, that's like USU losing to Idaho at home. You've got Ute players calling radio shows to spar with the hosts which is never a good thing and the faithful are griping about the coach and the QB and the defense griping about the offense. But all is not lost, UNLV is on the horizon. The Balm of Vegas will soon soothe all of your owies. If the Utes lose to Vegas, I will devote an entire column to the greatness of BYU.

Utah 36, UNLV 17

Boise State @ USU

Pre-season concerns about the offensive line have proven half true. There is no running game to speak of in Logan. The Oline does a pretty nice job of pass blocking but you don't win games only throwing the ball the results of that type of offense got the last Aggie coach a spot in the unemployment line. This lack of a running game dooms the Aggies in this sort of game. Against a high-powered offense like Boise's you would like to control the ball and limit their touches, you don't do that without a running game. The Aggie defense has been decent this season, if a bit inconsistent, but I like the direction they are going. Their .500 start (they could have easily started 4-1 though) and 2-0 home record has kept the increasing number of fence sitting fans interested but this stretch of Fresno, 'Bama, Boise could send those folks right back over the fence for the rest of the season, especially if they don't at least show well against the Broncos and the USU Athletic Department doesn't need that as they try to overcome 30 years of deterioration. Hard to believe that 12 years ago, the Aggies were winning the Vegas Bowl while Boise was a 1-AA wannabe. Now the Broncos are who the Aggies want to be. The Ags will play their hearts out, but it won't be enough.

Boise 38, USU 24

That's all for this week sports fans! Talk to you soon!

As always, Knute welcomes feedback, or comments and suggestions at [e-mail]