Traveling sucks.
I travel on business quite frequently and the more I do it, the less I like it. I used to think it was kind of cool to travel to new places. To tell people, I won’t be able to attend your crappy neighborhood block party because I’m traveling to Phoenix/Aspen/Vegas/ Tahoe/Parowan on business.
But as I sit in a swanky Phoenix-area hotel nestled in the buttes just southeast of Camelback Mountain, it doesn’t feel cool. And not just because of the 76% humidity (I thought this was the desert? Hello monsoon season.) and 98 degree heat. I am sitting here trying to get mentally prepared for what makes traveling hell: The airport.
What’s wrong with airports? Everything. You know I saw some guy wearing Capri pants in the Salt Lake Airport? That’s wrong. Airport lavatories? WRONG!! (Memo to self: Never have a hearty helping of Mexican cuisine the night before flying ever again!)
Then I get on the plane. I’m sitting in first class foolishly thinking that will cure all my ills. Nope. Remember the Tim Conway character, Dorff? The guy with the bad toupee and worse accent? “Learna ta playa golf da way it wasa meant to be played witha mah new videe-oh, aDorff ona da Golf.”
Turns out Dorff couldn’t make it on the PGA Tour and he dropped out to work as a flight attendant on the Salt Lake to Phoenix leg of a certain regional airline. What happened to the pleasant young hottie or the still attractive middle-aged southern sweetheart who used to get jobs as flight attendants?
All is well until just after the drinks (which apparently they don’t pour for you anymore, they just hand you the glass and an open can) and childproof packages of 4 salted-if-you’re-lucky pretzels have been served. At that point, Ensign Dorff comes over the loudspeaker:
“Er…umm… ladies anda gentlemens, ifa you will…uh...outta yer windows a dere down atward da ground. Yuse a probly gonta see da Granda Canyons ofa da Air-zona.”
I’ll grant you, this isn’t so bad other than he had the volume of the cabin speakers turned up to 11 and I swear to you that he actually had the microphone IN HIS MOUTH. Waving both arms toward the windows just in case us slack-jawed air cattle didn’t know where the windows were located. Then he went on:
“Ifa…youse gotta daconnecteeng flighta froma da Feeenux, here’sa da information yousa gonta need…”
Then he proceeded to read, with the mic still in his mouth, every connecting flight and it’s gate ever scheduled at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix. This lasted for about 10 minutes until a Mormon missionary finally stood up and strangled the guy with the mic cord.
Anyway, this whole experience (which plays out in remarkably similar fashion for me about a dozen times a year) helped me actually categorize the state’s big 3 football teams and their expectations, or perhaps lack thereof, this year.
First Class Letdown
The first time I flew first class, I was amped up. I had visions of some sort of aerial Disneyland with strippers dancing in my head. Those thoughts were dashed in a hurry. The seats are big and wide and you get a little more attention, but the differences from coach versus what you pay were a big disappointment. In other words, there was nearly no way first class was going to meet my expectations.
This perfectly categorizes the University of Utah Running Indigenous Peoples of the Great Basin Area (RIPGBAs). Longtime readers know I love to give nicknames to coaches and some are easy (wait until you see the paragraph on BYU and their coach below). But Kyle Whittingham was tough. I like him as a coach a lot, and as a DC he is one of the finest in all of college football. He hasn’t done anything to earn a derisive nickname like “Dimwhittingham” but that’s the tag he’ll get when he screws up. But for now, I have settled on “Not Urban”. As in Coach Kyle “Not Urban” Whittingham.
An acquaintance of Not Urban told me that the coach is wound tighter than a new daddy in the 5th week of the 6 week nookie embargo period. Not Urban knows that the expectations are ludicrously high and that there is no way, short of playing for the national title, to improve on last year’s success. To that I say, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Not Urban knows defense and I fully expect the RIPGBAs to wreak havoc on that side of the ball but you have to score to win and this team has a brand new QB with Andre the Giant size shoes to fill. The best guy to be on this team may be the backup QB, no pressure and if Johnson can’t cut it as the starter, everyone in town will be chanting your name. And if you can’t do it, then it must be the coaching staff’s fault.
With so many questions on offense, I think it’s safe to say The U isn’t going undefeated (way to go out on a limb Knute!), but the Mountain West is sooo bad right now, the conference is theirs to lose. Their only competition in my mind is Wyoming and…GASP!...BYU!
Dorff on Football
Remember Dorff the Flight Attendant? This guy made me think of new BYU headman Bronco Madmanhall. Once he gets going, the guy drones on and on in some sort of strange language and at times you wish he would shut up but you are so curious about what he may say next that you can’t help but listen.
This is Bishop Bronco to a “T”. Get Coach Holy Roller going and it’s like a trip to the MTC with Elder Bronco teaching the discussions.
The Large Desert Area Mountain Felines (This just in, my editor tells me the NCAA says I CAN still use animal mascot monikers. Whew!), The Cougars are trying to get back to their glory days and Bishop Sermonhall is doing his part by taking on the role of coach and the role of crazed Zoobie who always finds a way to link BYU football with gospel principles.
I’ve got no problem with the old helmets coming back and the attempt to re-capture past glory. How is this different than referencing the year 1984 in every football discussion as Zoobies currently do?
I’ve been around some of the BYU players who have been there for a couple of years and there is a whole new feeling around BYU football. It’s back to almost the Pollyanna-ish optimism that had vanished after the past 3 years. Plus they have the conference’s best receiver in Todd Watkins and a QB who is a year older (and still may cry. Pure gold.) as well as a whole slew of experienced players.
I seriously think BYU could be in the mix in November. Utah is the favorite but not a 500 pound gorilla, and Wyoming should be improved as well, but other than that, it could be anyone…even the Zoo.
Building a Better Stall
Public restrooms are necessary according to our biology, so why are they always so vile? Especially in airports. They are small and cramped and filthy and you can almost feel international diseases crawling on your skin if for some reason you have to take a seat in one. Why can they upgrade the coffee stand but not the john? Only the very desperate and those with no other choice go to the airport restrooms.
Some would say this parallels USU football. For years it has stagnated and every so often, it looked like improvements were on the way, but all they did was move the TP dispensers to the other side of the stall and re-paint the planes and they took off after awhile.
No conference, no players. Or only the cast offs and the desperate ones. Sun Belt helped and now the WAC shows a lot of promise. On top of that, they have a coach in Brent “Whatta” Guy who has been around a program that is building (Boise State anyone?). Now, stadium improvements are happening slowly but surely and some little birds are chirping that the North End Zone complex may be close to a reality. IF USU can get those facility upgrades in place and Guy can recruit, then they can be a player in the WAC within 3 years. If they keep up with the status quo and the traditionally tight-fisted Aggie Alumni don’t pony up, they’ll be at the bottom of the WAC looking up at Idaho and NMSU wondering if Stew Morrill knows anything about football.
The Aggie schedule is tailor made for 6 wins but a few injuries, especially up front, would kill the Aggies. They have good skill players and I think their defense will surprise a lot of teams, but the offensive line is a legitimate concern. Four wins would be over-achieving in my book but hang in there Aggie fans, the money seems to be rolling in, your coach actually wants to be in Logan and would probably stay for awhile.
TOCB Week 1
I’m dusting off The Ol’ Crystal Ball this week and things are looking a little murky. TOCB was crystal clear and on the money (only 2 misses last year in 20 plus games) but this year may be different. There are a lot of variables and unanswered questions but we’ll give it the old college try this week.
Arizona @ Utah – Utah defends their self-anointed “America’s Team” designation but it’s not easy. New QB, new receivers, new rushers and a decent Arizona D will make it tough but the RIPGBAs will win on their strength, defense and O-line.
Utah 17, Arizona 14
BC @ BYU – I learned something last year, never, EVER bet against B-whine-U in their home opener as that game was one of the 2 TOCB blew. Therefore, this year, I am once again picking against BYU in their opener. BC is too big and too powerful and will control the line of scrimmage. BYU will hang in there with their passing game vs. the weak BC secondary but BC postpones the Cougs return to glory.
BC 27, BYU 21
Nicholls State @ USU
The Aggies are deprived of one of their possible 4 wins this season by Hurricane Katrina. And if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll refrain from any jokes about all that. In case you were curious, I wrote my prediction before all hell broke loose in the Gulf last Sunday. Read on if you care.
****
The Brent Guy era starts with a bang. Too bad some scheduling genius decided on an afternoon game on a holiday weekend. So, 15,000 fans will leave Romney happy while the rest of Aggiedom prepares for a game they are sure starts at 7 p.m. just like all the other season openers since Baylor visited over a decade ago. The USU defense will be a pleasant surprise but the offense is a work in progress despite some bright spots like Kevin Robinson.
USU 34, NSU 13
That’s all for today sports fans, check back next week when we re-hash opening weekend and gaze into TOCB for next weekend’s games!
Knute
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