Fear and Gloating in Utah

WARNING!!!Contains references some may consider offensive

It's fun to be right. TOCB right here, last week predicted Utah State's first road win in 9 tries. Boldly putting it's then 7-1 record on the line. Many have scoffed at the brilliance of TOCB. "It's easy to pick games in Utah recently. Pick the Utes to win and the Cougs and Ags to lose and you will be right 70% of the time." They sniff.

Oh ye unwashed, mouth-breathing, sister grabbers. TOCB knows of what it speaks and showed it's power last weekend. All the unbelievers need only remember this simple equation: 10-1. TOCB's record to date.

So, revel in it's glory! Bask in the glow of gridiron foresight that would astound even Nostradamus! Tell your friends! Your children! Your wives! I HAVE SEEN THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I HAVE WORSHIPPED AT THE ALTAR OF THE OL' CRYSTAL BALL!!!!

Or don't. Either way, I'm fine with it.

Ramblings and Ruminations

And behold I saw an angel and it opened the seventh seal and out of the heavens, onto the city of lights, 4 great and terrible horsemen rode. And one carried a pigskin dipped in grease and I beheld his name was "Turnover". And one carried a skull made of solid bone and his name was "Poor Decisions", and yet another carried a blind squirrel whose paws were firmly affixed to a large nut and I perceived his name as "Dumb Luck" and I beheld the last horseman and he was dressed in armor and did carry all manner of weapons of war and destruction and from his eyes poured fire and from his fingers, lightning and I beheld his name as "Opportunistic Defense". And I did see these horsemen ride into Sam Boyd Stadium and they did land firmly on the UNLV sideline and they would not be removed. And thus the Aggies did win on the road and many in the north lands did not see this, despite what it said in the local TV listings. Nevertheless, when they beheld the results there was much joy and shouting but all others were sore afraid because they perceived that this must be a sure sign on the end of all things.

(Editors Note *Please forgive the biblical references :-)

Nice road win for USU. This puts them firmly in the driver's seat for a second place berth in the Moaning Worst Conference.

BYU had the game won in Boise, we all know that. How many times does Matt Payne miss that field goal? I'd feel fairly safe saying he won't miss another all year. For non-UC-Provo fans things like that are examples of gridiron Karma and pigskin payback. And we all know what paybacks are don't we?

Anyone else feel bad that Travis Cox's children may never know a father who can walk? The USU QB is taking a pounding each week. In fact, in a recent game I noticed that at the end of a 3 step drop, an opposing defensive end was already back in the pocket waiting for him. The guy punched Travis in the mouth for making him wait. (Editors Note* budumdum pshhhhhh!)

I thought it was great to see Matt Payne level that Boise kick returner a couple of times. Here's the problem for Mr. Payne now, EVERY team they play will now account for the kicker and he's going to get a beat down every game from here on out.

This telegram just in from the Boise State coaches in the press box to the defense: BYU likely to throw deep..stop..probably to Watkins..stop..maybe we should play a 2 deep zone..stop..or jam him at the line..stop..I don't know just some suggestions..stop.

Will any defense NOT play a cover 2 on the Cougs now? THEN what will Gary Glitter do? Hey! I know! There's this crazy position called tight end. Maybe he'll get really tricky and use him.

Utah showed a lot by coming back from a 2 score deficit. It was like Air Force came in and made them mad. Like the little brother who pesters the big brother until big brother finally comes unhinged and he creams little brother.

AF: "Nah-nah, we're running the option!"
U: "Knock it off."
AF:"Ha-ha we just scored again nah-nah!"
U: "I'm warning you…"
AF: "Ha-ha! We just gained 25 yards on a dive!" BAM!!!
U: "Shut up! Here's 35 straight points for you…b!+ch!"
AF: "ow"
Kyle Whittingham must just hate the option. I'm with Kyle. The Navy/Air Force game was a back and forth affair but I'd still rather shut my head in a door than watch two option teams go at it.

USU gives up 550 yards of offense and STILL wins? Here's the thing, yards mean NOTHING. Touchdowns do. The USU defense had trouble with UNLV's running back all night and I predict he'll give plenty of other defenses headaches as well. But the USU D made plays when they needed to. Including a defensive TD. They won the game. Just like they won the game for the Ags against Idaho. Now if the offense could only find a play that could net more than 2 yards.

Sporting News columnist Matt Hayes says Gary Glitter is on the hot seat and my spies tell me the same. In fact, two sources close to the situation say that Gary has a three game stretch to save his job. That stretch started with a loss last week. One source says Gary is out immediately if he doesn't win the next two. The other says it's season end "reassignment". Either way, Zoobies far and wide are singing "I hope they call Gary on a mission".

Which leads me back to the question I had last week: Who would be the new coach at UC-Provo? Tom Holmoe? He sure had a special run at Cal…NOT! I hear the Osmond brothers are available. Hey! How about Rulon Gardner? Or Thurl Bailey?

The first zoobie who answers this question "Norm Chow" should be beaten with a bag full of doorknobs.

Now it's time for THE OL' CRYSTAL BALL!!!

Utah @ New Mexico
UNM handed the Utes one of only two losses last year. Ten years ago they beat an undefeated, ranked Ute team at Albuquerque shattering Ute dreams of…well…whatever Utes dreamt of 10 years ago. And now, the Utes saunter into town for a little payback. Lobos, this is gonna be hard. Not math test hard, but accountant-who-ends-up-in-a-maximum-security-prison hard. Oh sure the Lobos have (or may not have depending on who you believe) all star running back Dexter Deedlebaum…er…Donnie Darko…no…Dontravanious Morgenstern…MOORE! DonTrell Moore! That's it. The Lobos will have him but all that does is create one question: So? The Utes WILL be focused and they will roll, 36-20.

BYU @ CSU
The Rams put a beatdown on the Cougs last year in Patron Saint of the Perpetual Frown Stadium. It was ugly, BYU co-ed ugly (you know, that's the first time I've ever made a BYU co-ed reference. How cheap, how tawdry, how typical.). I hate to break it to all the Booger haters out there but this team isn't that far from being good. They finally have some receivers in Watkins and Lassie..er…Collie (bet he's never heard that one before) and John Beck is already pretty good and getting better. Now, add a feature runner and get some better play from the big uglies up front and this team is probably 3-1. But they're not and anti-UC-Provo fans everywhere are enjoying the ride. Still, they gained some confidence at Boise and I think that, as strange as this may sound after a loss, gained some momentum. The Rams are struggling to put it together as well but their ex-factor last year (and the 3 years before that) was all everything QB Bradlee Van Pelt. Van Pelt is still in Colorado, but he's a member of the Denver Broncos practice squad now. He may be in the stadium Saturday but unless he plays, it won't help the Rams. Gary Glitter saves his neck for one more week as the Cougs pull out a 21-17 win.

Utah State @ TROY
What's with TROY? They just drop the "State" part and now capitalize every letter. Does that mean alumni have to yell the name of their school? TROY!!! Is it like THE Ohio State? I just don't understand, therefore I will poke fun…in a good natured way of course.

The Fighting Prophylactics came into Romney Stadium last year and knocked QB Travis Cox out of the game (No?! He was hit by opposing defenders? Must be a mistake!) forcing Mick Dennehy to insert Big Blue, the team mascot at QB. Bob Cole immediately called for a flanker screen followed by a QB sneak, followed by a designed sack to give the punter more room to run his rugby style kick. Blue followed the game plan perfectly and the Charging Condoms left Logan with a 23-14 win, exacting some measure of revenge for their loss at home to the Aggies in OT the year before. This game is allegedly going to be televised so perhaps Aggie fans will actually get to see their team this week. At 2-2, the Ags are off to their best start in 7 years but they play 5 of their final 7 on the road. TROY has had problems at QB and their running game has sputtered. This should be an interesting game but do the Aggies have enough firepower to win another on the road? They did not turn the ball over last week after averaging 3 per game the first three games. The Aggie D is carrying the team but I don't see enough production out of the offense to give me much confidence. TOCB reluctantly picks the Rampaging Rubbers in this one 17-14.

That's it for this week, tune in again next week for more tongue-in-cheek gridiron fun!

As always, you can contact Knute with comments, suggestions are recipes at [e-mail]