The Ol' Crystal ball is back!!!
But first...
People tell me that I'm a sports fan.
People are correct.
There's not much better in life to me, than watching a ball game. Of course longtime readers (hi mom!) will tell you that I'm a HUGE football fan. That is also correct. But I like Basketball. I also like playoff baseball and hockey. I think baseball and hockey are both sports that are best experienced live but at playoff time I can even stomach them on TV.
One phenomenon I don't get is NASCAR. I have a good friend who is so into NASCAR, I got him a tank top, a nylon braided belt and pork rinds for his birthday so he would fit in when he went to the races in Vegas this spring.
To me, NASCAR is a bunch of guys making left turns.
For hours.
They could make it more exciting if, say, every time a driver had to use the john he has to stop his car in a special lane on the inside of the track and then dart across traffic to a port-a-potty on the other side. Now THAT is riveting TV!
Another thing that would make NASCAR more exciting is if I was given the choice of slamming my head in the door instead of watching it. That sounds fun. That would be my ritual if I were a NASCAR fan. Whenever a race was on, I would walk to the nearest door and begin slamming my head in it until I either lost consciousness, or knocked some sense into myself.
But no matter what sport you follow, all sports fans have different rituals. What is it with sports fans and rituals? We all have them. It's like we really think that what we are wearing or doing has more bearing on the outcome of a game than the performance of those actually there competing. It borders on insanity but it's still part of what makes sports so fun.
I give you now the Menagerie of Superstitious Sports Fans. Which one are you?
Calvin Klein - Before each game your bedroom is like a scene from an Ah-nold Schwarzenegger movie from the 80's. You know the scene where they show the Governator getting ready for battle by strapping on all sorts of accoutrements and weapons and such. That's you. You pull on the t-shirt, then the sweatshirt, then the wrist bands, then the socks, then the hat and then you grab your foam finger or whatever else you think of as a lucky talisman. Some of the items never change because that was what you were wearing when your team won the title, but other things change each season as you try to find the perfect combination of apparel luck.
Mumbly - This fan is always talking about what is going on. The problem is, no one can hear what he/she has to say. Good or bad, Mumbly always has a comment that you can catch snippets of but never truly make out.
Mumbly: "Arflblarp tight end mumble snuffle harf blitz hooga idiot choo moo snarble score."
You: "What?"
Mumbly: "Aw nothing. I was just saying that Crowton should mumble snarble humphle blurb endzone garffle sniff tailback, you know?"
You: "Ummmmm...Yep."
Pacino - This is the opposite of Mumbly and can be very entertaining. We've all seen Al Pacino just go off in a movie. It's all he does anymore, but that's okay because he's great at it (rent Heat and see Pacino at his ranting finest). So the Pacino is constantly boiling about something and then he starts talking about it and his voice gets all growly and louder and then he starts swearing (or using Utah swear slang if he's a family man or a BYU fan). It's funny to watch in small doses but it gets very annoying when a Pacino is sitting behind you.
Pacino: "What the? Mick!? MICK!? What the %$#@ ARE YOU DOING MICK! That was second AND ONE! TAKE A SHOT YOU @#$!%^&*#@$!!!!"
Shaman - This is the fan that for some reason clings to one special object each and every time his team plays. Like a rabbit's foot, an old jersey (don't confuse a Shaman with a Calvin Klein. A Shaman just has one special object with the mojo. Calvin's mojo comes from the whole outfit) a program from a game, any one single object makes this fan a Shaman. And most Shamans will freak if they don't have that special object so no matter how disgusting his Jr. Aggie T-shirt gets, don't throw it out.
Pavlov - This fan is kind of like a Shaman but his mojo comes from ceremony rather than objects. I know a guy once who was sitting in his basement watching his favorite team getting trounced in a playoff game. In an effort to blow off some steam, he picked up an old rubber mallet that was in the room (I don't know why it was in there, it just was!) and started lightly hammering the floor. Pretty soon his team was back in the game and eventually won. Now he has to bang that mallet on the floor every single time his team falls behind. That example was kind of a Shaman/Pavlov mix but I think we all know a guy who has to pace the floor because that's what he was doing last time his team won.
Eeyore - This is most every Aggie fan the past few years. Any fan who whines and moans constantly about his team and it's future prospects, no matter how bright, is an Eeyore.
Eeyore (On the way into the game): "Don't know why I keep comin' to the game. They're just gonna lose."
Eeyore (on the way out after a win): "That was nice but I don't want to get excited. They'll just lose next week."
Oscar - Named after Oscar the Grouch. This is the fan who cannot continue to live in civilized society if his team loses. I'm kind of an Oscar. This fan is just unbearable after a loss and even during a game if it's close and you bother him, watch out, he'll bite your head off for bothering him during the game. NOW SCRAM!
Pollyana - This is of course the polar opposite of Oscar. No matter what the outcome, a Pollyanna can't wait until next week because he just knows the boys will get it done then. He also is quick to point out all the things that went right and how hard all the players tried. Not many Pollyanna's in the sports world.
Calico - I'm kind of an Oscar but Calico would better describe me. See, I have traits of both Pollyanna and Oscar. I'm up and down. You can't get a handle on my color. Winning = Pollyanna, Losing = Oscar. Some would call this a fair weather fan. I don't because this is more about superstition. If I'm happy when they're winning, my good mojo can sustain the team, if I'm Oscar when they're losing, that same anger can fire the team up. Right? RIGHT?
Murdock - Named after the crazy dude in A-Team. This is the guy who is a mix of all of the above and he never settles on just one. This is the dude who thinks he can help his team by sitting behind the visitors bench and hollering personal insults at the other team. He's the guy who will wear Kansas City Chiefs gear to a game in Oakland. He's unpredictable, he's dangerous, he's outta control. You're a loose cannon Murdock. You're going to get us all killed!
So browse through those and see where you fit. If you think of a category or two that I overlooked, feel free to email me at: knute@aggies.com and I'll mention your submission in the next column.
Now, on to THE OLD CRYSTAL BALL!
TOCB returns after a 9 month hiatus and things are looking awfully murky.
Before we begin, I have to get something off my chest. Anyone see the USC/Va. Tech game Monday? Did any of you have the misfortune to watch the halftime report? One thing that has just made me violently ill about the Olympics was all the human interest stories between the competitions. It seems every U.S. athlete was born without multiple limbs, grew up working in a sweatshop in Racine and may or may not, at some point in their life, have been possessed by demons. I thought the Olympics was bad...then I saw the halftime story on USC QB Matt Leinart.
It seems poor Matt had to wear glasses as a child. I kid you not. THAT was what he had to overcome.
See, he had strabismus in one eye that made it go a little cross-eyed. I know all about strabismus. My wife is an Ophthalmic Technician and I have a mild case of it in my left eye. The docs want to operate on it and fix it and it is a common and simple procedure. Well, apparently it is for everyone but poor Matt Leinart who somehow, bravely fought through two whole outpatient surgeries and the trauma of having to wear glasses for awhile.
I had to check the station to see if I was watching the Daily Show, that's how absurd the story was. It bordered on parody but it was sad, not funny. If this trend in sports reporting keeps up, soon we'll be hearing about Kobe's valiant return from a vasectomy.
For something slightly less absurd, let's return to TOCB!
We'll start with Thursday's game at Taxpayer Stadium.
Utah v. Texas A&M
So the Utes get another chance to beat the Aggies in their home opener this year. Problem is, these Aggies aren't the Utah State variety. Quag Meyer and the boys are coming off a stellar season and the Ute faithful (both of them) and the other 50,000 bandwagoners have high hopes. It is very tempting to fall into the hype. I have serious concerns about depth for the Utes. If Alex Smith goes down, things could get scary. But this is a good team with a good coaching staff out to prove that last year wasn't a fluke. For me the questions about this team are how well/quickly will Quentin Ganther assimilate with this team, how well can they absorb injuries and who will catch the ball besides Paris Warren. I do not, and will not EVER question a Kyle Whittingham defense.
That said, A&M is a better team than a year ago and surely doesn't want to spend a night in the national spotlight getting punked by some upstart Mountain Worst Conference team.
Utah wins but doesn't cover the spread 28-24.
BYU v. Notre Dame
Awfully hard to get a solid read on the Cougs this year. They start a QB who seems as emotionally stable as Tammy Faye Baker. BUT he is a year older and will benefit from playing time last year. WR Todd Watkins is the real deal according to the little birds that have been chirping to me from Provo. Those same songbirds tell me they have very high hopes for the offensive line. So let's see if all the turmoil this off-season can be put behind them. What with the alleged raping and pillaging that has been going on. Kewg fan wants his team to be like Miami, just not OFF the field as well.
This is for Gary Glitter. I hear 8 as a minimum number and 9 and a bowl as what is expected. We'll see. I'm not a UC-Provo fan at all folks but they have some tools to make some noise. The defense will be tested and it will be interesting to see if Bronco Madmanhall can get them playing like he had the Lobos playing. It's his second year in the system so some of the
kinks should work themselves out.
IF Gary Glitter can leave his QB alone and not play musical chairs with him and IF the defense can take a big step forward this year and IF that offensive line is as good as I'm hearing they can be then UCP could be in for a rebound season.
BUT, I don't think it starts early this year, what with a murderous schedule and all. Notre Dame comes to town with just as much to prove and I think that right now, the Cougs aren't quite ready for them.
Irish claim Holy Bragging Rights 27-20.
USU @ Alabama
Let's see. 26 point spread. I've seen bigger. It was 34 at Nebraska last year and 25 for the ASU/USU game. The Aggies covered both times. If you are a spread bettor, the Ags are your team. If, like all the other sane people, you like to do other things with your money and only care about wins and losses. Well, the Aggies...well...never mind.
The Ags always lose these games. ALWAYS! Some day they are going to break through and have their moment in the sun. They'll make the Sportscenter highlights and will be mentioned in all the national publications. Someday. But not this time.
I don't think this USU team can be any worse than last year. And last year, they were oh so close to being pretty good. They should have beat North Texas, New Mexico State and Idaho, threw a scare into Arizona State, and hung around with Nebraska. Stupid penalties and turnovers cost them big. If all else remains equal and the Aggies eliminate the bulk of the penalties and turnovers then I think they can compete for the SBC title.
Their RB situation is a bit scary. With Marc Crawford out with a knee and JC offensive player of the year Emmanuel Marc not in the fold as hoped, they turn to Freshman Chris Forbes. Forbes was touted as a top 50 recruit until a shoulder injury scared everyone else off. The Aggies rolled the dice and hope to get lucky. Forbes has 4.4 speed and the ability to make people miss. If he can stay healthy and Rainman Bob Cole remembers that the Aggies do have running backs he could be a real find for the Ags. In defense of Cole, utilizing running backs hasn't been a problem. It's just his play calling that I don't get sometimes.
What is it going to take for Mick Dennehy to stay at the helm at USU? The excuses are gone now. They have a conference, they are working on facilities, the young kids are all a year older and everyone has to deal with injuries. I think the USU offensive system is intriguing and fun to watch but they have, in the past, been running it against superior talent (with the exceptions of Kevin Curtis and Chris Cooley. They were good talent in this system and they are in the NFL now). If the talent is getting better and their recruits are what they hope they are then this team should make some strides and surprise a few people. I guess we'll see.
They won't surprise Alabama but they will make it interesting Tide by 13, 33-20.
That's TOCB for this week folks. Thank Touchdown Jesus that college FB is finally upon us!
Until next time...
As always you can contact Knute to chide, berate, belittle, pass on free porn or praise him at Knute@Aggies.com.
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