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Politics and Sports. Do they have anything in common? Knute seems to think so! Let the voting begin!

Politics.

It's a dirty word. A buncha guys who holler and scream at each other about how bad the other one sucks, make lofty promises they have to intention to fulfill and then just generally do whatever they feel like it once their backers have made their ill-informed choice. Then I started thinking about it (that's what you all could smell burning) and I decided maybe politics isn't that much different than sports.

Before you Google me, look up my address, come to my home and slam my nether regions in the door for such blasphemy, let me explain.

Let's compare characteristics:

Sports: Wild-eyed partisans who think their guy(s) is the best and everyone else is a mouth-breathing in-bred.

Politics: Wild eyed partisans who think their guy(s) is the best and everyone else is a mouth-breathing in-bred.

Sports: A bunch of rich-beyond-the-dreams-of-avarice boneheads, completely out of touch with the majority of society getting paid a lot of money to do something most of us gave up in high school.

Politics: Ditto

Sports: Said filthy rich bozos say stupid things into microphones and recording devices then blame the media for "out of context" remarks when the depth of their thickness hits the mainstream.

Politics: Ditto.

Sports: Every so often we get the promise of a new beginning, a bright future or continued success and most of these promises fail to materialize fully.

Politics: Ditto

Sports: You can't turn on the TV or open a magazine without seeing one of these guys but then they complain about their lack of privacy when they are caught in a hotel room with handcuffs, cool whip and the maid.

Politics: Ditto

Anyone besides me see a trend here?

So I thought maybe I should pay closer attention to politics. I watched the Democratic National Convention and got a good chuckle out of the fact that all the guys who want to run this country, were the same guys who got shut in lockers by my type in high school. True, now that it counts it sure seems like they ultimately won. They are vying for control of the free world while me and my washed up jock friends are watching the WWE and wondering how we got so damn fat and bald. But watching the convention, and my newfound interest (not really, it's just a hook for this column) in politics gave me an idea.

This year's Beehive Football Preview will be my token homage to our great system of political claptrap. I give you the BGC, the Beehive Gridiron Convention and debates. With the title of Commander in Chief of Utah Football on the line, I have assembled the candidates (The head coaches) and their running mates (their top coordinator) for speeches and debate.

Let's meet the candidates.

Representing the "We're Still the Best Ever Because We Used To Be Good and Even Won a Title 20 Years Ago, Aren't We?" Party, Coach Gary Crowton and his running mate Bronco "I can't believe all the other boy names were already taken when I was born" Mendenhall. In the interest of space, their party will be referred to by its nickname, "The Flaming Question Marks" or FQM.

Representing the "Godless Heathens Who Actually Have Some Semblance of a Program" Party, Coach Urban Meyer and Kyle Whittingham. Party nickname: "Unreal Expectations" or UE.

And finally, rounding out the debate we have our obligatory third party candidate Coach Mick Dennehy and his running mate Bob Cole. They represent the "Is it Basketball Season Yet?" party or IBSY.

Our moderator today, legendary sports broadcaster Hot Rod Hundley.

Hots: "Yoooooooou're lookin' live at the Wasatch Room in the Shilo hotel in beautiful downtown Salt Lake City, where tonight the three parties battling for football supremacy in the Beehive state will state their case, argue their positions and generally browbeat one another silly in the first annual BGC and debates. Hello again everyone, I'm Rod Hundley and tonight we have a barn burner for you. The incumbent UE party and their leader Urban Meyer are coming off a stellar season, but can they hold off rivals from the FQM party from Utah County and the upstart IBSY gang from the great white north?

The candidates are approaching the stage now so let's tip it off. Tonight's tip off is brought to you by Ben Dover Health Care...huh? Oh, wrong script.

The first question for our candidates, gentlemen please assess the current state of your program and what you would do as "C in C of Utah Football"? Coach Crowton?

GC: "We're just fine Rod. We are fresh off a national championship just a couple of decades ago and out national standing has never been higher."

Hots: "Neither have you judging by that answer."

Mendenhall: "RARRR!! GROWLLL! OOOGA-BOOGA! KILL! MAIM! BLITZ WITH THE WATERBOY! AGGGGGHHH!"

GC: "That's right Bronco. We have a very aggressive defensive philosophy. This year we also have more African-Americans than ever, Bronco has cooked and eaten everyone in the Honor Code office..."

Bronco: "BUUUURP! Taste like chicken.Yaarghhh!"

GC: "...and I think the combination of these things plus the fact that we've asked all students and alumni to hold special fasts and pay an extra 5% tithing will really help us step to the top of the mountain as far as football teams as proselytizing tools go."

Hots: "The Cougar backers here at the Shilo are going crazy! They've broken out into a song? My spotter tells me they're singing "We Pray Thee o' God for Some Offense" to the tune of a popular Mormon hymn. Let's go to Urban Meyer. Coach Meyer, your response?"

UM: "I was pretty pleased with our team for awhile but now you media guys are talking about us and I don't like that one bit. Who granted the media the right to talk about things? One thing I don't like is people talking about things. My guys are listening and if they listen, they might suck. STOP TALKING! If I'm Commander in Chief then everyone will stop talking about Ute sports and adding expectations and making things hard."

Hots: "Okay! No reaction from both Ute supporters here although they seem to be yelling at the people in front of them to sit down. Coach Dennehy what about your squad?"

MD: "Well, we went out this off season and got some new daubers because our old ones were down. I mean way down. Daubers are hard to find but we were able to track a few down and now our daubers are better than they were."

Hots: "OOOH BABY! A gentle push and mild arc and the ol' dauber pops back up!"

MD: "Uhhh...yep. We have some guys who can be good and we're working on things."

Bob Cole: "YAAAAAARRRGGHH!!! SCREEN! SCREEEN! DEEP POST! DEEP POST! NO, WAIT! FLY PATTERN!!! BWAAAAHAAAHAAA!!"

MD: "As you can see, Bob is itching to get started...."

Bronco: "ME KILL SCREEENS!! BLITZ YOU! I BLITZ YOU! RED DOG!!! ROBBER!! ALL FIRE!! BRING 11! GWAAGA ABAGA BOOOOLOOO!"

BC: "UGGGHHH!! ME PICK UP BLITZ! HOT ROUTE! HOT ROUTE!! MIDDLE SCREEN!! YAAAARRRGGHHH!!"

Hots: "Whoa! Ladies and gentlemen USU offensive coordinator Bob Cole and BYU D-Coordinator Bronco Mendenhall have leaped over their podiums and are engaged in a monkey-like fight to the death! Cole is biting Mendenhall's nose while Bronco beats Cole about the head and shoulders with his defensive playbook! USU fans are screaming and jumping around like members of the Devil's own mosh pit! BYU fans are booing these antics while BYU school officials try to identify the boo-ers in order to charge them with an Honor Code violation! Both Ute fans are asleep!

Pandemonium has broken out here on the floor of the Wasatch Room at the Shilo! Kyle Whittingham has quietly left the building! Gary Crowton is in the corner playing paper-rock-scissors with himself trying to decide if he REALLY wants John Beck as his starting QB! Urban Meyer is smashing recording devices and TV cameras and burning TV sportscasters in effigy! And Mick Dennehy is calmly watching all of this with a facial expression somewhere between disgust and boredom!

For Ron Boone, who wisely went golfing, this is Rod Hundley saying so long from the Wasatch Room at the Shilo where the Beehive Gridiron Convention has just wrapped up with no clear winner. You have 12 weeks to cast your votes starting on Saturday, September 4 and you gotta love it baby!"