Mock...Ya! Draft...Ya!

No need to watch the NBA Draft tomorrow! Knute has looked into his crystal ball, and tells us who is going where and when!

It's hard to be wrong but at least I wasn't alone. I was one of the deluded masses who already had the Lakers fitted for their new championship ring. I was sooo wrong.

Any other year I would have been pulling for the Pistons. I'm not a Laker fan in the least but long time readers know that I AM a Karl Malone fan and I was hoping the Mailman would find a little somethin', somethin' in his LA mailbox. Instead he suffered through a pain filled season (both physical and mental) and again walks away empty. But this time he couldn't even go down like a warrior. His bum knee kept him off the court and all he could do was watch. Now it's time to turn in the mailbag.

It was a good run Mail, it really was. The greatest power forward in NBA history should hang it up now. Don't worry about the scoring record, don't worry about a ring. Hang it up and enjoy the rest of your life. Don't be the NBA's version of Tony Dorsett to the Denver Broncos. Vaya con Carne Karl. In my book at least, you are the man.

The Finals also triggered a couple of other questions:

1. Can we all stop talking about what a freakin' genius Phil Jackson is now that Larry Brown made him his girl prison-style?

That Col. Sanders lookin', Zen-spewing bozo has always had the luxury of heading a team that had at least 2 superstars. One of the superstars on each team was also the most dominant player of his NBA-era if not ever. You can't blame Jackson for being smart enough to recognize his chances for success in LA, but I think he is a better personality manager than a coach. Sticking to that damn triangle when you have a team built for another style of ball? Always blaming the players for not playing well enough within the system? Come on.

Which brings me to question number 2.

2. If Shaq is on your team, why on earth would you ever throw the ball to anyone else?

Seriously. The Diesel is getting older, the Diesel is out of shape. The Diesel also averages a bazillion points and rebounds in the playoffs and is un-f***ing-stoppable. Was it me or did Shaq look like he wanted to snap someone's neck from game 3 on? Feed the Diesel, put the hammer down and drive. The Diesel will get you there. How does this team just "forget" about Shaq for long stretches?

I think the answer to question number 2 may lie in question number 3.

3. Has there ever been another NBA "superstar" like Kobe that would rather score 50 points a night than do what it takes (other than shooting) to carry his team to victory?

Is it just me or does anyone else get the impression that Kobe would be just as happy playing in, say, Orlando winning 20 games per year as long as he could shoot 43 times and average 50 points to show us all how great he is? The only triangle offense in LA is the Bermuda Triangle offense. Balls go in to Kobe and they never come out.

Here's a typical Laker offensive possession.

Malone to inbound.

Kobe stands three feet away clapping his hands for the ball while looking around to see where the defenders are.

Malone hands the ball in to Payton.

Kobe purses his lips and slightly shakes his head while gliding down court.

Payton reaches mid-court.

Kobe runs to within three feet of GP and holds his hands out for the ball.

Shaq has established position within 6 inches of the hole and his defender is lying on the ground with a broken sternum.

GP finally gets tired of Kobe chattering "Gimmetheballgimmetheballgimmetheball", hands him the ball and begins to stalk back to the other end of the court muttering like a transient.

Kobe holds the ball to his right side and bends at the waist, his chin nearly touching the floor. The shot clock is at 16.Kobe holds the ball to his right side and bends at the waist, his chin nearly touching the floor. The shot clock is at 16.

Devean George runs through the lane back and forth like a lab rat in a maze.

Malone stands at the high post trying to give Kobe a screen.

Shaq is bellowing like a rhino in heat "GIVE ME THE ROCK!"

All four defenders run to Kobe like little league soccer players to the ball. Five more defenders come off the bench and 8 guys come out of the crowd. All of them surround Kobe.

Shaq is standing under the basket frothing at the mouth.

Kobe waves off the Malone screen, looks right at Shaq who is now tearing chairs out of the stands and eating them.

Two seconds on the shot clock, Kobe dribbles, spins, steps back 8 feet behind the arc and fires up a fall away three that misses badly.

Phil Jackson sits there like he's stoned for a moment then turns to Tex Winter and Jim Cleamons and asks them what their favorite scent of incense is.

Kobe turns to the ref and holds his arms up in disbelief, gum falling out of his mouth as he whines.

Meanwhile, Rip Hamilton pushes the ball up court, gives off to Ben Wallace who goes up and dunks, putting his balls right on the bridge of GP's nose since he was already back to defend. GP starts thinking about the SI photo of his face in Big Ben's crotch and starts muttering faster.

Shaq is still back on the other end. Now he's dismembering photographers along the baseline.

Kobe runs to Malone who is inbounding the ball and holds his hands out "Gimmetheballgimmetheballgimmetheball..."

Repeat last possession.

I guess he has to get up all the shots that he can since there is a very real possibility that by this time next year he'll be getting prison tattoos of breasts on his back and being called "Kobeesha".

One final question that I had: Who told Devean George to shoot? Ever?

Ah well, I guess now I can turn my attention to the last worthwhile sports-related event between now and NFL camps; the NBA draft.

I give you the First Annual Knute Lombardi Stab In The Dark Mock Draft.

I have recently been advised of the NBA's commitment to strengthening U.S. relations with foreign countries and thus pledging to draft only foreign players. Unless of course an American player who does not yet have pubic hair is available. I think you'll notice that trend in my Mock Draft (with an emphasis on MOCK).

1. Orlando - Emeka Okafor - 6'10 - Connecticut - Sr.- Forward - Orlando takes Okafor because they think his name sounds foreign. They quickly realize that he is 21 years old and panic. Clearly his best days are behind him, I mean the geezer already has back problems.

2. Los Angeles Clippers - Lil Bow Wow - 17 years old - 5' 5 - Guard - Elgin Baylor watched a lot of film of Bow Wow. Specifically the film "Like Mike" and he really liked Bow's hops in the movie. Donald Sterling is setting his allowance at $50 a week.

3. Chicago Bulls - Jeffrey Michael Jordan - 16 years old - 6' 2 - Guard - Holy cow! His name is Jordan! His middle name is Mike! They can use the jersey that they are storing in the rafters! How great is this! I hear the Bulls are looking hard at 12 year old Maurice Pippen in the second round.

4. Charlotte Bobcats - Clang Sumdumguy - 7'9 -China - Center - The Chinese Revolution that Yao Ming started continues with Clang. This behemoth is already being called "The Great Wall" by scouts because of his size, defensive ability and his shot repertoire that consists mostly of bricks.

5. Washington Wizards - Luol Deng - 19 years old - 6' 8 - Duke - Forward - The Wiz will come to the podium and try to draft Rip Hamilton back from the Pistons but when David Stern vetoes, they take Deng. Since he is a teenager and possibly foreign, they figure he is a can't miss prospect. Besides, his name is sometimes mis-pronounced as "Dong" and that's really funny.

6. Atlanta Hawks - Mary-Kate Olsen - 18 years old - 5' 6 - Guard? - The Hawks are desperate to sell tickets and, for some reason, the Olsen twins are very popular. Atlanta was targeting Brittney Spears until she became a complete skank and also suffered a knee injury. Hilary Duff is also a possibility here.

7. Phoenix Suns - Marstavivius Sarunachilaiosanonis - age indeterminate - 7' 1 -Center - Said to be the second coming of Arvydis Sabonis. Aren't all eastern European big men they next Sabis? When I see a Euro center with a head the size of a Yugo, THEN I'll say, "There goes the next Arvydis Sabonis." But not until then.

8. Toronto Raptors - Jean Francois Champarbenoux - 12 years old - 5' 9 - Forward - This French phenom is tearing up the French intermediate leagues. This league is nothing to scoff at says Chateau de Hopalong and ex-BYU head coach Roger Reid. "These kids, they're about on par with my boys Robbie and Randy, that's how good they are. If Jean Francois isn't drafted by the Raptors, they'll be disappointing millions of French people."

9. Philadelphia 76ers - Kareem Hightower - 13 - 5' 4 - Guard - The Sixers take Hightower, the son of one of Allen Iverson's posse members, on Iverson's advice. Reportedly, A.I. told the Sixers, "My boy is stone cold with a Glock and always passes me the rock. Pick him. I'm A.I., BITCH!"

10. Cleveland Cavaliers - Viktor Argospapalidisalidis - 19 - Greece - 6'11 - 450 pounds - Forward - Remembering all of the great days of basketball they have gotten out of Zydrunis Ilgauskis, the Cavs head back to Greece and pick up a new presence inside. They figured they'd get in on the very, very, very tail end of the "My Big, Fat, Greek..." craze by taking the Peloponnesian Porker.

11. Golden State Warriors - Pavel Padkolzine - 19 - Russia - 7'5 - Center - The Warriors will have a hole at Center after losing Dampier and Foyle to free agency. Podkolzine looks like the second coming of Arvydis...no...wait...his head is only as big as a Volkswagen. I said I'd only say it if the head is as big as a YUGO.

12. Seattle Supersonics - Sasquatch - age indeterminate - 8'0 - Center - The hairy one will clog up the middle like no one else and with their salary cap problems, his contract demands of berries, nuts and small rodents should give the Sonics some relief. He'll also be a media darling. When asked about being so close to his dream of playing at home in the Pacific Northwest, 'Squatch said, "Arggg mrffl garbumsparger rrrrrr." What a cut up! Press photogs are having real problems getting a clear photo of the big guy though so that could be a problem in the marketing arena.

13. Portland Trailblazers - Harold Buntzine - 50 - 5' 10 - Oregon Justice department - With Bigfoot off the board, the Blazers go for Buntzine, an accomplished parole officer who has a long history of keeping his parolees out of the pokey and on the street. The Blazers think this will be a big help.

14. Utah Jazz - Hahnki Cantshootabit - 18 - Latvia - 6'8 - Small Forward - The Jazz have only 18 small forwards on their roster and, staying true to form, they select the one Euro who can't shoot beyond 8 feet.

15. Boston Celtics - Elder Gangadar Mubulufumumimi - 19 - Ghana - 6'7 - Guard - Elder Mubulufumumimi is currently tearing up the pick up games in the Ghana LDS mission. Danny Ainge's Mormon background gives him a great insight on the untapped fountain of overseas Mormon ball players and he snags the "Great Ghanian" before BYU can sign him to a letter of intent.

16. Utah Jazz - Rafael Araujo - 23 - 6'11 - BYU - Center - The Grape Ape is big, mean and nasty. He also moves pretty well. But the need he most fills for the Jazz is "big man who will knock you out with an elbow". A factor they've been missing since Karl Malone moved on. Besides, this pick will keep all the local BYU fans happy and make The Jazz a favorite in that international hotbed of basketball, BRAZIL!

17. Atlanta Hawks - Ashley Olsen - 18 - 5'6 - Guard - The Hawks can't believe their luck! Mary Kate AND Ashley! The arena will be full of screaming 14 year olds every night! It's R. Kelley's wet dream!

18. New Orleans Hornets - Rubideaux Montclair - 18 - 6'1 - West Lafayette Cajun Cookery College - Guard - They call Montclair the Ragin' Cajun and at West Laf, his blackened popcorn wowed crowds. Not flashy like glory hog Emeril, Montclair prefers to let his cooking do the talking and he makes a mean gumbo, sure to please all 19 people who come to watch the Hornets next year. Plus his Cajun accent makes him sound foreign.

19. Miami Heat - Arturo Calderon - 20 - 7' 2 - Center - Calderon has no basketball experience but team scouts saw him float into Miami Beach on six tires lashed together with dental floss and loved his size and obvious stamina.

20. Denver Nuggets - Jack Elway - 14 - 5' 8 - Guard - Can he play? The Nuggets don't care. His name is Elway. It might as well be Jesus.

21. Utah Jazz - Mafulu Ka'pelealamufumaklianu - 18 - 6' 3 - Guard - Can the Throwin' Samoan play? They Jazz don't care. They just think it will be great entertainment listening to play by play man Hot Rod Hundley trying to say his name. The over-under on Hot Rod's tongue exploding is 2 weeks.

22. New Jersey Nets - Marco Scalabrioni - 20 - 6' 4 - Position unknown - Marco Knuckles is what they call him and the Nets figure this up and coming Mafioso will be able to take folks like Dick Bavetta and Jess Kersey aside and make them offers they can't refuse. Expect to see HUGE free throw discrepancies in Nets games next year.

23. Portland Trailblazers - Yeti - age unknown - 7' 4 - Nepal - Inspired by Seattle's pick of Sasquatch, the Blazers go overseas for a hirsute simian of their own. It's a bit of a reach though as Yeti doesn't have 'Squatch's star power or shooting range. Still, he's a beast on the boards.

24 and 25. Boston Celtics - Davy and Marty Osmond - 17 - 6' 4 - Guards - These young Osmond twins can't even get off the bench of their Provo (Utah) High JV team but Ainge is sure BYU is trying to commit them so he wants to lock them up before that happens.

26. Sacramento Kings - Chuckitup Defendnone - Crapistan - 6' 8 - SG - Defendnone has great range and plays very well from three point line to three point line. His childhood nickname of "Choke" inspires little confidence but he should fit right in with the Kings come playoff time.

27. LA Lakers - Wang Hong Li - 98 - 5' 2 - Korea - Trainer - Li is the pre-eminent joint specialist in Asia and his forte' is elbow problems. The Lakers will pick up Li and his extensive library of herbal and folk remedies in an effort to keep Kobe's shooting elbow from wearing out from all the use.

28. San Antonio Spurs - Snoozeaux McBorington - 20 - 6' 9 - France - Forward - McBorington is a French national with a Scottish father. His game is deliberate and vanilla making him the perfect running mate for Tim Duncan. As a child he was hit in the back of the head while making a boring, uninterested looking faces and it stayed that way.

29. Indiana Pacers - A year's supply of Prozac - The Pacers thought about Luke Jackson of Oregon but he was neither young, nor foreign enough so they went with the pharmaceuticals. They now have to decide whether to ration them to Ron Artest or make him take them all at once.

That's it folks. Keep this handy on draft day and see how close I come. Probably closer than the Lakers.

Later gang.