Move Out of Your Parent's Basement
One thing that has me shaking my head is the internet. Longtime readers know that I work in the media and have hosted sports radio call-in shows. One of my first columns was called "Radio Ga-Ga" and it dealt with the insanity of some fans. It was kind of a rant but at the same time, it is what makes sports talk radio kind of fun.
About the internet, I think Al Gore is a genius for inventing the thing. I really do. When I first started using the 'Net in the mid-90's I was amazed by all the info, and free porn, that was right at my fingertips. When I was a kid growing up in a rural farm town, my friends and I would find the occasional porn mag on the side of the road that some frustrated/guilty husband had tossed out of his car after buying it then looking at while sitting in his car in the 7-11 parking lot. You know what I'm talking about, don't act all innocent with me. Anyhow, the internet was the adult version of a lucky find along the country road. It was like what we imagine Hugh Hefner's bathroom magazine basket to be like. Let's be honest internet porn WAS the internet. At least in those early years. Had they taken all porn off the internet, soon every site would die except a site called "Bring Back Internet Porn".
Soon after the birth of the internet, on-line sports sites with message boards started up and now they rival porn in their drawing power. Suddenly every Tom, Dick and KOOGERFAN#1 was imbued with the power to spread his or her opinion far and wide no matter how half-assed or poorly thought out the opinion was.
I feel a Bud Light Real Men of Genius Commercial brewing:
Today we salute YOU, Mr. Really Mad Internet Sports Fan
Your unique eye for logic allows you to sling turds of doom every which way, and then brag about how you were RIGHT as soon as one of the pieces sticks to the wall - regardless of how many dozens fell limply to the floor before that.
I don't peruse many message boards myself, I can't take the aggravation, but since I write for UstateAgs.com I decided I had better be a frequent visitor to see what Aggie fans are talking about. I also frequently visit a Denver Broncos message board called Orangemane.com and a movie website called Chud.com. That's it.
They are the only message boards I check with any regularity but I have noticed that the users of these boards can be broken up into the same general categories. Before I go into those, I just want to say the worst thing about internet message boards is anonymity. People say things they would never say to someone's face and they can never be called on it because no one knows who they are. If I could invent a device that could identify anonymous message board posters and give their name and address, I shudder to think of how many pencil-necked little jerks would be found dead in their mother's basement slumped over their keyboard with their pants around their ankles and their wiener still in their hand. I shudder about it, that is, until I think of an internet free of these people and all the money I would make on the product.
There are many Spiders that inhabit the World Wide Web. For example:
Trolls: Everyone who uses the 'Net knows a troll is someone who likes to pop into a website and shake up the regulars with deliberately inflammatory comments.
Einsteins: These guys know everyone and everything. Don't believe me? Ask them, they'll tell you so. Oh, they've never coached beyond a little league level and it's questionable if any have played beyond a little league level. But one thing is for damn sure, if they were in charge the team would go undefeated, get all the best players, stay under the cap AND the players would never, EVER do anything wrong.
Oscars: These are the grumpiest folks around. They exist to argue with everything everyone says. They never really take a stance of their own and their argument always morphs to disagreement no matter what. Just like Oscar the grouch. Hence the name. If they are caught out in any of their arguments, they resort to personal attacks that would get them a punch in the teeth in real life.
Newbie: This is the guy who shows up without first scouting out the board first and seeing what is what and who is whom. The newbie always ends up incurring the wrath of one or more Oscars for no discernable reason other than the fact that Oscars are a-holes.
CEOs: These are the folks who won't allow anyone else to have an opinion on anything unless they have actually experienced it themselves. Why call them CEOs? Because they are just like most business leaders in their thinking. They only want to hear what jibes with what they believe and if you say otherwise, you're ignorant because you aren't a CEO. Like the ex-player who disregards anything anyone says about playing since they never played. Or the soldier's parent who thinks your opinion of war is invalid because you've never been a soldier. These folks always jump in and throw a hissy-fit if you say something they don't like and say "Well, when you've strapped it on and played in front of 50,000 screaming fans, then we'll talk." If you say something they like they never tell you how ignorant you are though and they seem to forget that most folks know what they have done and agree that their experience gives them a deeper understanding than the average Joe Schmoe. But just because you have a deeper understanding, it doesn't mean no one else can comment.
Clowns: These folks never participate in any substantial discussion. They just show up and post funny stories or pictures or make snide remarks. These are the folks who use all those smiley face icons the most.
Low Key: A Low Key is what most posters are. They just want to know what it going on and they post in an attempt at real communication and information finding. Most Insiders are Low Keys. What's an Insider? Read on.
Insider: Folks in the know. These are the people who actually have inside info on what is going on. Many keep that info to themselves and just correct folks who are spouting wrong info, or they dole out info sparingly when asked directly.
Big Mouth: Sometimes a Big Mouth is an Insider...but not for long. These are folks who blab anything they hear about any topic. Sometimes the info is good but usually it's not.
Still confused as to who is who? Let's take a typical day on the UStateAgs message board and plug in all the characters.
Subject: New USU Recruits
LowKey1: I just finished looking at all of the recruits and it seems like we have a pretty good group coming in. What does anyone else think? I really like the addition of Swifty Goodhands. I know BYPoo wanted him bad so it was great to get him.
Big Mouth: Mick told me that they are the best group he's ever recruited when I was having lunch with him and Stew and Bill Parcells.
Einstein: I think he needs to move to an option attack to take advantage of all the RB's coming in and the lack of a proven receiver. I know that the option is the best thing to run because no one in the WAC can defend it. Plus I told Dave Kotulski he'd be better off in a 6-3-2 defense with a zone blitz scheme.
ZooTroll: You guys only got Goodhands because the Y didn't want him. He's Jehovah's Witness. God's school owns you! You love sheep! I say these things in the name of LaVell Edwards, amen.
Oscar1: Get bent zoobie troll! Our recruiting class sucks. We suck and always will. We've never been good.
LowKey2: What about the Vegas Bowl team? They were good.
Oscar1: You are the biggest idiot I've ever seen. Boy they sure have you drinking the Kool Aid don't they? You call a bowl win in Vegas a good thing? They were playing Ball Freaking State! They will never be good! The basketball team was good only because they played nothing but crap teams.
CEO: Hell yes the Vegas Bowl team was good. Have you ever played with any ball besides the one in your pants Oscar1? I have and I know what it's like. You don't, thus you suck. I have also been recruited so if anyone should be talking about recruiting classes around here, it should be me.
LowKey1: Well then what do you think of the recruiting class CEO?
CEO: Are you being a smart a$$? You know nothing of how I think. Have you ever thought? Well I did once and I know what it's all about so until you start thinking, maybe you ought to shut the hell up!
Oscar1: CEO you probably played End, Guard and Tackle. You'd sit on the end of the bench, guard the Gatorade and tackle anyone who came near it. You suck.
Clown: LOL!
ZooTroll: Scoreboard! We win most of our games versus you guys. God loves us and we have converted many USU souls because of our athletic prowess. Get back to your sheep.
CEO: Hey Zoobie filth! Have you ever played in a USU/BYU game? I have so shut your mouth!
Newbie: Hi guys. First time poster. How are the Aggies looking in spring practice so far?
Oscar1: Shut the hell up newbie! Can't you see this is a discussion about recruiting? Start a new thread you mouth breathing dork!
CEO: Have you ever posted on this board new guy? HUH? I HAVE! So just shut your mouth until you know what you are talking about!
Clown: Sports makes strange bedfellows eh CEO and Oscar1? ROFLMAO!
Big Mouth: Hey guys, I just came from having lunch with someone who will remain unnamed in the athletic department but they said that we are dropping hockey and adding men's baseball!
LowKey1: That doesn't make sense because hockey is a club sport. Check your source.
CEO: HEY! Have you ever shared info before?! Well I HAVE! And until you do, why don't you keep your mouth shut!
LowKey1: Insider are you around? What do you hear about recruits?
Einstein: I can tell you what Insider will say. Or at least what he should say. By the way, I knew Stew's crew would lose in the first round of the BWTourney. He shoulda listened to me and played a box and 3 on that stud from Northridge and then run the Princeton offense. That woulda done the trick for sure.
Insider: They say it's the best recruiting class in 20 years up there but you know, everyone is an All-American on signing day. The best recruiting class in the last 20 years was probably the '89 and 91 classes. All the guys who were seniors on the Vegas Bowl team that was the best we've had in recent memory. I have my reservations about some of the guys but most seem pretty solid. I'm hearing more about the National JC player of the year we got. Let's get lunch and we'll talk LowKey1.
CEO: HAVE YOU EVER HAD LUNCH BEFORE!!! WELL I HAVE AND I KNOW ALL ABOUT LUNCH SO MAYBE YOU'D BETTER PUT A SOCK IN IT UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!
Clown: Hey CEO, stop yelling. You're hurting my eyes. LMAO!
ZooTroll: Our recruits were way better because they are all Mormon or will be baptized Mormon soon and you guys are sheep lovers.
Oscar1: Hey ZooDick. Does your Bishop know you are fixated on bestiality? Get lost you Zoo loving bozo.
CEO: Have YOU ever loved an animal?! HAVE YOU? WELL I HAVE.....
And on
And on
And on...
This is why I'm souring on the whole sports message board concept. I have three kids at home and I can get more coherent, mature discussions there. But it's like crack so I'm sure I won't stay away for long.
Besides, it beats working.
Knute
As always you can email Knute with questions, comments, concerns or porn at Knute@aggies.com
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