See a Doctor and Get Rid of It

No more Football? This is the absolute worst time of the year for a "footballphile" like myself. The Super Bowl has come and gone and the Pro Bowl will soon be history which means Footballphiles have to endure six months without a football game.

It's even worse to be a married footballphile because that means you will be going long periods of time without TWO of your favorite activities (that was a reference to sex for all of our BYU friends out there).

So how do you know if you are a full blown Footballphile and not just a big fan? Not to worry, Dr. Knute is here with a fiberglass glove and alcohol based lubricant to help diagnose potential cases of Footballphilia. So turn your head and cough and then take the test. Keep track of your answers then check the results at the end.

1. What month were you born?

A. December - January - 2 points. Good for you. You arrived amid the greatest sports season of the year. During the playoffs no less!
B. February - May - 1 point. There was nothing else going on so what do you expect dad to do?
C. November - minus 5 points because now you know what your parents were doing for Valentines and you have to live with that knowledge. YUCK!
D. June - October - You get 0 points because your dad was making you during football season instead of watching football. Unless you can PROVE you were conceived WHILE your dad was watching a football game, or even better, AT a football game. If you can prove that, you get 1 bazillion points. If YOU'VE bumped uglies while watching a game or at a game, add another bazillion points.

2. When did you see your first football game (that you can remember)?

There are no points for this question. I just wanted to bring up a pleasant memory to erase that crack about what your parents were doing on Valentines Day.

You're welcome.

3. Where would you rather eat?

A. A steak house - 3 points. Mmmmmmm....steak....
B. Chinese - 2 points. MSG is the key to Americans increasing lifespan. We are slowly mummifying ourselves from the inside out.
C. A Local Burger Joint - 1 point. Burgers are the All-American food.
D. The Olive Garden - Their new menu = crap. ZERO POINTS
E. Hogi Yogi or any other establishment founded in Utah county - minus one point. You are eating Zoobie food you sheep.
F. At any tailgate party - You get a million, billion points.

4. Look carefully at this picture of last year's Playboy Playmate of the year. What do you see?

A. A beautiful, naked woman - 1 point
B. Pornography - 0 Points. Get the hell off the web.
C. A beautiful, firm, perky football - 1 gabillion points and my sympathy.

5. Your idea of a perfect date consists of:

A. Dinner and a movie - 0 points. Be creative you lazy slob.
B. A nice restaurant, a play, opera or symphony - 0 points. What are you? Frazier?
C. A campfire, a sleeping bag and strobe light - 1 point. It sounds intriguing.
D. Meeting a group of folks you know from an internet sports message board at a restaurant/bar while dressed in your team's colors and having a few drinks and appetizers. Then heading to the stadium where you tailgate for two hours and sing fight songs, followed by 3 and half hours hollering like a drunk with Turette's syndrome with 30 - 50 thousand of your closest friends. All this capped off by meeting the ame group of people you saw before the game at another local establishment to talk about how your boys smeared those pansies from (insert city/school name here) and then, on the way home, paying attention to your date/spouse for the first time all day by saying, "I can't go to church tomorrow the (insert team name here) are playing the (insert team name here) and it's the biggest game of the season" before quietly drifting off to sleep while still wearing your team's barbecue sauce smeared jersey. hundred Quadzillion points.

6. What is better than a football game?

A. Nothing - 5 points
B. A Basketball game - 3 points. Not bad but not quite.
C. Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, NYPD Blue, The Sopranos, Simpsons, Arrested Development, South Park, Futurama or The Family Guy - 1 point. All good but not better than football.
D. Reality TV - 0 points. You are a vacuous cretin and are contributing to the Rome-like decay of the American society.
E. A Celine Dion or Josh Groban Special - Tampax or Kotex, Sally?
F. A football game that goes into OVERTIME!!! - 5 Gungamillionbazalillion points.

If you scored over a million points, you are a Footballphile. Start taping your favorite team while they are playing then watch them in the off season. This along with surfing the web for rumors will keep you afloat (barely) until they kickoff again in the fall.

If you answered below 50 points, go check the dryer because I think your dress is done Mary Alice.

www. pleasecomeplayforuspleasepleaseplease. com

I've been watching the results of the recruiting period come in and a few things really stand out:

1. Everyone is an All-American/Top 100/Phenom in February
2. Every Tom, Dick and Harry is a top talent evaluator of people they've never seen and only heard of last week when the happened to pick up a copy of Lindy's.
3. The next great reality TV program should be called "Mid-Major Joe" and should follow a bunch of recruiting coordinators from mid-major schools as they woo a stud recruit who is obviously out of their league.

I'd like to see the recruiting rules changed so that all teams can do is take an ad out in the local paper just like the personals. I can just imagine a few of the ads from the local schools.

From the Deseret News and The Daily Herald in Provo:

Fading, full of itself program looking for athletes, any athletes, that can run fast, hit hard, take the blame from coach when the team loses and credit the coach and system when it wins. Low sex drive and dislike for alcohol preferred but not a must. Vices okay if you can keep them a secret. Tattoos welcome. No smokers, drinkers, drug users please. Unless you are really, really good then that will be okay because we are a missionary tool after all. Call Gary Glitter at 1-8-SINKN-SHP.

From the Salt Lake Trib:

Looking for a good time? Then come get all "Bowled Up" with an "Urban" program. Young, good looking program on the rise seeks Guys who can sling the rock and young studs to catch it. Come play with me and we can really rock the house on Saturday nights. I like fast guys with soft hands but I have a big, dirty friend who likes big, nasty uglies who like to mix it up down in the pits. For a good time, Call Urban at 877-UPN-CUMN.

From the Logan newspaper:

USU ATHLETICS DRAINS VALUABLE RESOURCES AND GENERALLY SUCKS
"NO ONE PAYS TO COME WATCH MY STUDENTS PRESENT THEIR PROJECTS" PHYSICS PROFESSOR LAMENTS

Logan - This paper has learned that USU continues to have an athletic department despite our shrill protests and tireless efforts to expose athletics for the vile institution that it really is. In another shocking development, this paper has also learned that no other departments can seem to get tens of thousands of people to pay to watch their students take tests or present projects.

"Attempts to soothe our psyches, damaged as adolescents at the hands of those cruel jocks who mocked our Star Trek Klingon Club, by bringing USU athletics to its knees are all for naught" said one staffer....

Oops, wrong page! Let's see, Employment...Agriculture...Homes for sale...hey that's a nice looking rambler in Nibley...ahhh, here we are...Personals.

Remember me?

Remember that girl you didn't pay a lot of attention to in high school? The one who was just kind of "there" and who never was asked to dance? Remember how she wasn't all that ugly, but she was never really that "hot" either? Then do remember when you saw her a couple of years later at college and she had "matured" and was now a "hottie"? Well, this program is that girl. Oh, I may never be the hottest girl/program around and since I come from a small town background, I'll never get all the attention I deserve from the guys in the big city, but that's okay because I'm more down to earth and accessible than those glamour programs. And if you tell me you want to be with me, I'll treat you right and appreciate you. The glamour hounds will tell you what you want to hear and then spit you out when something flashier comes around. Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate, not anymore. I just had a boob job at the WAC clinic and it's getting me noticed by guys who wouldn't even look before. So if you are looking for a quality experience and a heck of a good time call Mick at 800-WE-R-BACK.

Well, gang, I think that's enough for today. I'll chime in from time to time during basketball season and the terrible dog days of summer before becoming regular as clockwork next fall.

Ay-dee-os.

Knute